TURBULENCE 3: HEAVY METAL... Satan Is Their Motor... Why Cultists Are Goofy As All Giddy-Out

So, here I was in need of something to do. Any strenuous activity was out, as I had already expended the day's energy chasing down my dog and putting out a few stay fires around the house (always good to jump on that right away). I had already been reading a bit and now my brain desired a little downtime. Suppose I could watch the Republican Conventions but I wanted brainlessness, not rampant ignorance and hypocrisy. Besides, I had spent the better part of the week unsuccessfully trying to avoid their B.S. spin as they trotted out candidates they themselves didn't believe in. Looks like it's the movie channels.

Good thing the third and so far last TURBULENCE movie was starting on Cinemax. Yeah, good thing. Just swell.

I had seen the original TURBULENCE shortly after it came out. Sure it looked horrible, but I had a short-lived semi-crush on Lauren Holly at the time thanks to PICKET FENCES. Besides, it had Ray Liotta in it. This guy starred in GOODFELLAS. Ray Liotta didn't do trashy movies. This was just as Liotta decided to spend the next ten years showing just how low he could sink. Of course, TURBULENCE turned out to be hilariously bad, a bizarre hybrid of AIRPORT '75 and PASSENGER 57 with Liotta chewing so much scenery, you'd swear it was made out of pie crust.

But even the makers of TURBULENCE look like Thomas Pychon compared to the knuckleheads that cooked up TURBULENCE 3: HEAVY METAL.





There is nothing in common with previous TURBULENCE films, except that there is a plane in jeopardy. One might think that meant they got no name actors to appear in this film. You'd be half right. They didn't get Liotta sure, but they did sucker some people with frequent flyer miles and got them to appear in what is sure to be damn near a career lowpoint for all. Most conspicuous is Joe Mantegna, one of David Mamet's favorite actors and Springfield's own Fat Tony. He's been made into a character actor over the years. These days, rather than look at the scripts, he seems to be trying to set some sort of record for busiest actor in the world by taking whatever project lands in his lap. In the last ten years, he has appeared in nearly sixty projects. Those are Debbie Rochon numbers, folks! Also in the cast is Gabrielle Anwar, who had a promising start in the famous tango scene from SCENT OF A WOMAN. Unfortunately, she was never able to capitalize on that success and while she is still a top-billed actress, it's in small and often rather bland projects. Along for the ride is Craig Schieffer, no stranger to straight-to-video entertainment, it's easy for folks to forget that he featured in films like A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT. But who am I kidding? I would much rather watch a cheesefest like TURBULENCE 3 than A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT. I saved the best for last. Rutger Hauer, who will never stop being one of the coolest things walking, no matter how many bad movies he appears in, has one doozy of a part. He plays the co-pilot of the plane, who is actually the leader of a Satanic cult. Oh yes, we really need to address this plot so you can understand why this is so much more interesting than the same old disaster movie formula.

First of, I have to tell you what I think of Satanists. Being a fan of horror films, you might think I take these guys seriously. After all, there are some very dangerous people out there with some crazy ideas. But let's just put this all on the table, most so-called Satanists are so unintentionally campy, they're hilarious. These guys don't have a clue for the most part. Check out the old services by Anton Lavey and you won't see a glimpse into the dark side, you'll see a bald dork in a devil costume hanging out with drugged-out naked chicks. It's pure theatre and it's not even good theatre. Devil worship may have darkened it's colors over the years, but it's most vocal proponents are still idiots in makeup prancing around talking about darkness without really grasping what true darkness is. Darkness is murder and mayhem true, it's also everything negative in the world, meaning everything that pisses these guys off in the first place. Feeling persecuted? Too bad, because without even realizing it, you are serving that same force. There aren't white hats and black hats out there, waging a battle with magic. I'm a comic book geek and even I find the prospect ridiculous. There is however forces of positive and negative energy and without getting preachy, I will say that the guys who think their rebellion is based around playing dress up are so absurd they wind up being kind of adorable.

Flashback to 2001, when people were scared to death of Marilyn Manson. Okay, actually this was a couple years behind the times even then, but bear with us. I should point out that despite what I said about people who claim to be real Satanists, I'm on board with people like Manson. He continues a fine tradition set up by people like Alice Cooper before him. Manson is well aware what he does is theatre and fortunately, he has some amazing tunes to back it up. Today, even though most people have moved on, I'm still a fan. In TURBULENCE 3, they have a Marilyn Manson-type horror shock rocker amusingly named Slade Craven - a name so metal you can't even say it without grabbing your crotch and sacrificing a kitten to the unholy lords of the underworld. Go on, try it. Just don't come complaining to me when the SPCA comes calling.

Craven is all set to give a concert on board an airplane as it flies at 30,000 feet and stream the broadcast over a slow Internet connection. After all, what better place to hold a special effects heavy heavy metal concert than in the middle of a tiny thin airborne tube? And what better way to make sure the effect of being there is completely lost than by webcasting it on 2001-era Internet technology?

Well, even this doesn't go according to plan. Not only is there a dangerous storm underway (which really doesn't endanger anyone too much), but a group of terrorists have infiltrated the plane. But not just any terrorists, nope we're talking members of a Satanic cult that does it's recruiting from the friggin' Internet. They are so clever in their infiltration that their number includes Rutger the co-pilot, another member of the audience and a Slade Craven lookalike, and... well, okay that's it. It is said, they have murderous accomplices on the ground, but don't sweat it because this plot point is never resolved. The Satanists kidnap and tie the real Slade Craven up in the cargo hold and accuse him of being a false prophet. The lookalike takes his place and takes the plane hostage while the plane sets itself on a crash course for Kansas. I wondered if this would really be a big loss to the world, but then I'm a bit more cynical than I used to be.

Meanwhile, Joe Mantegna stands in the control center for the webcast and talks to the fake Craven and remains completely ineffectual throughout the entire film. One of his agents (Anwar) had been dispatched earlier to arrest a hacker (Scheffer) who illustrates how rebellious he is by sporting a goofy bandanna and a soul patch. It soon becomes clear however that the hacker may be the only one who can help the people on the plane. It makes moderately more sense when you watch the film.

Mantegna, Scheffer and Anwar all spend their scenes in small rooms which probably means they were able to film their scenes in record time. It manages to hold it's budget well because the average person might not realize they are simply switching between three small and sparsely populated sets.

TURBULENCE 3 is a sloppy, stupid, goofy ride from beginning to end. It's not a truly wonderful film for the AWS mold. It lacks the gratuitous sex and/or violence and also lacks the fun sense of adventure. What is does have are some amazingly out-out-touch goth and metal stereotypes throughout. It also boasts enough logic-defying moments to be an amusing time waster.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get my red satin devil outfit from the dry cleaners.

THE GATE OPENED AGAIN, AND IT'S NOT A REMAKE!

First thing's first. Sorry I've been away so long. Things have been pretty hectic here, and I let my work on the site slide a bit. I wish I could say it would never happen again, but that's just probably not going to be true. Still, if you stick with me, I'll stick with you. Keep checking back and you'll see updates. Sometimes several a day, sometimes only a couple every few weeks. But I'll try to make it as regualr as possible. Right, now onto the big skinny.

In 1987, a small little horror film made a pretty good dent at the box office. Although THE GATE has mostly faded into obscurity, it had a few things to peak interest back in 1987. For one thing, it was one of the first horror films to get a "PG-13" rating. Sure, we had other films that fit that mold. But unlike those films, THE GATE did not appear to be a GREMLINS knock-off, nor did it seem to be a sedate ghost story, nor did it seem to blend its horror roots within a less threatening fantasy or sci-fi setting. No, THE GATE looked like a bona fide horror film, and it was a pretty fun one at that. The film gained some press by opening the same weekend as the much-hyped and now infamous bomb ISHTAR, and this low-budget shocker gave that bloated Hope and Crosby vehicle a severe run for its money. It was a rare moneymaker for short-lived indie studio New Century/Vista.





Now comes word that THE GATE is getting the sequel treatment. According to the Hollywood Reporter and Bloody Disgusting, a sequel has just been announced at Cannes. Originally, the plan was to do a remake of THE GATE in 3-D. However, someone must have realized that horror films are being made left and right and even the 3-D thing is not a completely original selling point, since the MY BLOODY VALENTINE and PIRAHNA remakes are already going down that same road.

Instead, we are getting THE GATE: 20 YEARS LATER. Expect the title to change, mainly because it has already been 21 years since THE GATE and will be even farther away once the film is actually finished and released. No word on if the original film's director, Tibor Takacs, is on board in any capacity. Recently, Takacs has had a career resurgence of sorts making those Sci-fi Channel films - most of which are nowhere near as entertaining as they should be.

In the director's chair this time will be first-timer Randall William Cook. Don't fret about inexperience as he does seem to know his way around a set and has studied closely with at least one low-budget horror pioneer. Cook is a three-time Oscar winner for his effects work on Peter Jackson's LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy. Something BD's article that does not mention however is that Cook was also special effects supervisor on the original GATE, as well as Takacs' I, MADMAN and DEATHLINE. So, he knows the material. Cook's other effects credits include CAVEMAN, GHOSTBUSTERS, 2010, FRIGHT NIGHT and POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE. It looks as though he was also a big player in the effects work for Charles Band's Full Moon label.

It is unclear if this film will be a direct follow-up to the original, or make some mention of 1993's overlooked THE GATE II.

SWORD AND THE SORCERER SEQUEL... Wizards, Warriors and Wenches... Talon and Company Return!... It's Really Happening!!!

Albert Pyun has made dozens of B-movies over the years. Some of them have been thoroughly entertaining ( RADIOACTIVE DREAMS, DOWN TWISTED, CYBORG, NEMESIS ). Some have been unforgivable ( CAPTAIN AMERICA, the single worst comic adaptation AWS has ever seen ). It's easy to forget within this vast filmography that Pyun's first ( and probably best ) film was a big production for Universal Studios. It was still low budget compared to most of the films out there, but it was given an enthusiastic release and was indeed met with fandom from its target audience.

That film was THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER, and the timing of Universal was curious but well-placed. It provided a whetting of the appetite for its bigger production, CONAN THE BARBARIAN, which would be released one month later. But if there was ever a big movie to echo the then-recent phenomenon that was the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game, this was it. Even the film's promotional materials invoked the phrase, "dungeons and dragons." The poster also looked all the world like a fantasy novel, TSR guidebook or at the very least, an Iron Maiden album cover. Though some may disagree, the film delivered on its promise.

The last shot of SWORD AND THE SORCERER had our surviving heroes riding off into the sunset, after which a message on the screen promised a sequel, TALES OF THE ANCIENT EMPIRE, coming soon. But what was curious was that despite earning nearly $40 million at the U.S. box office ( that would be more than $85 million today, a major success for a mid-budget film ), we never heard from our heroes again.

Now, more than a quarter century later ( damn, I'm getting old ), the sequel is fully and truly on the way. There were whispers before that Pyun was finally making TALES OF THE ANCIENT EMPIRE, but nothing concrete. But Twitch.com now reports that production is gearing up and it looks like a done deal. Fans of sword & sorcery cinema, epic adventure or just fans of CONAN rip-offs ( I'm all three ) can rejoice and let out of "yalp!" of joy.

“It’s got a sexy sorceress, hordes of demonic vampires, a giant serpent, sea pirates, nasty sword (and axe, spear, leg of cow) fights and gore and nudity galore. Everything that a rousing adventure needs to have.”

Pyun has made some alterations to make this a true continuation. In the original film, Talon was played by Lee Horsley, who would have success in the 1980s on the MATT HOUSTON TV series. Rather than cast a younger person in the role of Talon, Pyun is brining back Horsley in the Talon role. However, the focus will be on Talon's children, played by Christopher Lambert, Kevin Sorbo and Victoria Maurette ( recent star of Pyun's BULLETFACE and LEFT FOR DEAD ). Of those three, only Maurette is truly young enough to be Horsley's son, but I guess you can't be consistent with everything.

'Aint It Cool News reports Yancy Butler will play a half-sister to Sorbo's character, but its unknown on which side of the family. I have always liked Butler. She's had an unfortunate track record over the years at being excellent in projects that weren't all they were cracked up to be, at least not the ones I've seen. These include the TV series MANN & MACHINE as well as the films HARD TARGET ( the director's cut is supposedly much better ) and THE HIT LIST. Butler is best known for her starring role on the WITCHBLADE TV series, a show I'm sorry to say I missed.

Also cast is Leah Cairns, formerly of KYLE XY and recently seen in 88 MINUTES. Fans will of course recognize Cairns from the "how the hell can a TV show be this good?" revamp of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, on which she played Viper pilot, Racetrack.

And of course, we will get the tri-blade sword that in addition to being incredibly powerful, also launches it's blades into the guts of its foes. By itself, that's worth the price of admission.

But the biggest treat comes from Pyun himself, who told the folks at Twitch.com, “It’s got a sexy sorceress, hordes of demonic vampires, a giant serpent, sea pirates, nasty sword (and axe, spear, leg of cow) fights and gore and nudity galore. Everything that a rousing adventure needs to have.” That's pretty much everything this website is about so you can bet your ass I'll be first in line for this one. Twitch also confirms that unlike recent sword & sorcery reboots which have aimed for a younger audience, this film will be geared for a hard R-rating. Hells yeah!

TALES OF THE ANCIENT EMPIRE starts filming next month in Buenos Aires and Tunisia. If you aren't excited, you are clinically dead.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER AGAIN!... Return of the Bionic European Tough Guys!

The story broke on the net like a thunderclap from Odin himself. Okay, maybe not. But putting my love of these things clearly in the public eye, a guy can dream. Cinemablend has reported that Jean-Claude Van Damme may be gearing up for another UNIVERSAL SOLDIER sequel. This is not huge news, since Van Damme already did the sequel route in the gutbustingly awful UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN, a film that pretty much crushed any hopes Bill Goldberg had for crossover appeal ( not that those were very high ). No, the real news is that Van Damme's nemesis from the original, played by Dolph Lungren, may be joining him.






The first UNIVERSAL SOLDIER helped increase the reputation of Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin. It involved Vietnam vets who killed in action, listed missing, and then awakened as bionic super-soldiers decades later to do wetwork for the government. Two of the Universal Soldiers go off the reservation when they become sentient of their previous lives. Van Damme was a heroic soldier who just wanted to go home, but got killed trying to destroy Lundgren, his platoon leader who went insane and wiped out a village as well as his own soldiers. Now, as Van Damme tries to piece his life together, Lundgren aims to finish the fight, leading the other Universal Soldiers, now under his command, to help him out. Yes, younger generation, you read that right. And doesn't that sound so much cooler than the standard, "thugs try to steal money but cross the wrong security guard"-type action film we would expect these days?

Okay, so UNIVERSAL SOLDIER wasn't quite as great as its premise. It was a lot of fun, however, and it hurt to see the promise of an entertaining franchise get squandered.

Not that they haven't tried. UNIVERSAL SOLIDER: THE RETURN may have been bad, but it was the second attempt to resurrect the series. Two obscure straight-to-video titles, UNIVERSAL SOLIDER II: BROTHERS IN ARMS and UNIVERSAL SOLDIER III: UNFINISHED BUSINESS ( I have not personally seen those latter two films ) were even smaller affairs, and featured different actors.

Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin will not be returning for the latest UNIVERSAL SOLDIER film. If anyone has seen the stuff they've been putting out lately, that can only be a good thing. It is expected to go straight-to-DVD and is in the early stages of pre-production.

People may be interested to note that Van Damme has an intriguing genre-bending French film coming out, JCVD. Those are his intials for the extra-drowsy out there. It is, no kidding, one of my most awaited films this year. Thanks to the guys at JoBlo and Arrow In the Head for posting the trailer.