Wednesday, April 16, 2008

UWE BOLL: "I'm the only f--cking genius in the business."

Tuesday marked the DVD release of IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE, the newest film from Uwe Boll. Several years into his growing filmography, Uwe Boll is being met with just as much vitriol as ever. There is even a much-publicized Internet position urging him to stop making movies. It's entirely likely that no director in modern history has had as much raw sewage heaped upon them as Uwe Boll. I should know, as I was one of the folks wielding the first shovels. But time has passed and I now must admit that I have grown to love Uwe Boll.

If you look back on my reviews of HOUSE OF THE DEAD and ALONE IN THE DARK, they are some of the most negative I have ever written. Many of the opinions expressed in those pieces still stand. One I would like to take back, as I have no idea what I was thinking is this comment from the ALONE review: "Yes, in fact ALONE IN THE DARK is one of the most boring films I've seen in some time. You won't know what's going on it's true, but you probably won't care either." Did I really write that? ALONE IN THE DARK is stupid, inept, poorly acted, choppily directed and altogether incomprehensible. But boring it is not. Attention, AWS readers: I have no idea what happened to me that day or what I was on that could possibly make me think ALONE IN THE DARK was one of the most boring films even of that year. Hell, didn't that come out the same year as THE BROWN BUNNY, a film so dull unsimulated oral sex couldn't save it?

Don't get me wrong, Boll's films are typically awful. But they are awful in such a wonderful and unique way. And one cannot deny that the films are now entertaining in totally different ways. These days, his films have enough interesting aspects to warrant mention along the lines of, "Hey, that was pretty cool right there.". At the same time, they also have the same multitude of goofiness that causes the viewer to smack themselves upside the head and scream, "What the hell was that about?" Yes, he indeed has gotten a lot of trash talk. But I suspect one day, Dr. Boll will be remembered ( Records show Uwe Boll has a doctorate in literature, but I like to think of him as a Doctor of Funk ).. He won't be remembered as one of the great directors. But he will at least be looked upon fondly by future generations of cult movie lovers, much like Al Adamson and Ted V. Mikels are today. Even moreso probably, because cult movie lovers seriously enjoy a subversion of the system and doing a ridiculous movie at $250,000 is a lot different than doing one at $40 million.

But Boll was bound to get detractors even worse than the ones that met those other directors. After all, he's not just pillaging his own material for many of his cinematic disasters, he's pillaging the realm of video games. Now, video games have rarely spawned great films. Boll's indeed are some of the worse ones out there, although I would argue that early misfires like DOUBLE DRAGON, SUPER MARIO BROTHERS and MORTAL KOMBAT: ARMAGEDDON are worse still. But one thing video game fans do have in common is their undying loyalty to the world of gaming. These people are fiercely territorial. Good on them, I say. But it does get a little tiring to see someone pull out their hair as they insist Boll completely shit upon the wondrous legacy that was HOUSE OF THE DEAD.

What gets me most though is how literally people take Dr. Boll. Not the swiftest animal in the pack, I admit it took me a while to realize the truth as well. The truth is Boll is messing with you, people! You keep cursing him and challenging him and he loves it. Do you really think he believes he is the next Stanley Kubrick? Of course not! I'm sure he enjoys the films he makes very much, but I'm sure most of the proclamations out there are just meant to get the superfans in a tizzy. He is the one who challenged his critics to a boxing match. Some folks, like Rue Morgue's Chris Alexander, got the joke. Others, like Lowtax, did not. His latest is the boast that since his next film POSTAL is due to be released on the same day as the new INDIANA JONES film, he fully expects POSTAL to decimate the competition. Guys, it's a joke. People really need to lighten up and stop taking him so seriously.

Now comes his response to the online petition to get him to stop making movies. In it, he baits the crowd even more and I love every second of it. He trash talks Michael Bay ( whom I don't like ) and Eli Roth ( whom I do ). And of course, he spices it up with many German-accented curse words.

There is also a pro-Boll petition out there to sign if anyone is interested. I signed it. I want more Ray Liotta playing lizard-like wizards. I want more totally inappropriate love scenes like the one in BLOODRAYNE. God help me, I want more Uwe Boll.

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